Koh Samui

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• Battle of the Beaches - Thailand
• Bliss on the beach - Koh Samui
• Freshly Squeezed - Thailand
• Kaleidascope - Bangkok
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• Beautiful Bali looks back to the future - Bali
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• My Perfect Moment - Pangkor Laut
• Fantasy Island - Pangkor Laut
• Feast for all the senses - Bali
• On Honeymoon Island, strictly alone at last - Phuket
• Our Ho Chi Honeymoon - Vietnam
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• Why I'll always miss Saigon - Vietnam
• Hanoi's New Dawn - Hanoi
• Saigon Surprise - Ho Chi Minh
• I spy in Shanghai - China
• Shanghai Chic - China
• The Great Makeover - China
• Far East in a Flash - China & Japan
• Cherie blossom special - Japan
• Why they call Hong Kong toy town - Hong Kong
• Mysteries of the secret gardens - Kyoto
• The Geisha Game - Kyoto
• Hong Conquerer! - Hong Kong

There is a certain breed of ex-backpacker that will tut-tut if you mention that you’re going to Koh Samui. ‘I was there in ’92,’ they’ll say, tears of nostalgia welling in their eyes. ‘Six months we stayed and it only cost a pound.’ If you say that you’re flying, it’s ‘back then, there was no airport… you had to get 14 buses and then you had to swim’. On and on and on they’ll go about empty beaches, tinpot bars, good vibes and magic omelettes. All ruined now, of course. ‘You’re better off going to Ko Ping Po or Ko Pang Ching or Ding Dang Dong. That’s where it’s at man.’

Fat lot of use they are. Fair enough, if you think you’re Robinson Crusoe, Samui is not for you. But if you want a blissful holiday on a tropical island – staying in a beautiful hotel, on a beautiful beach, near a beautiful cocktail bar, getting some beautiful R&R – then ignore the ‘in my day’ brigade. Samui is perfect. The trick is to know where to go, and where not to.

You wouldn’t, for example, want to go to Lamai beach. Still mentioned in many brochures, it’s a nightmarish vision of tatty bars and grumpy go-go girls. Just north of it, though, is Chaweng, a long beach of backto- back bars, hotels and clubs. It’ll probably end up like Lamai in a few years, but for now it’s great fun. Parts of it are tacky, but parts of it aren’t. The beach itself is beautiful, and if you manage to pick one of the classier resorts on it, you’ll love it.

Worth flying across the world

Then there are Maenam and Bophut, on the much quieter north coast, well worth flying halfway across the world for. In purely physical terms, there are better beaches in Thailand. The water here is cloudy, and the sand is more yellow than paradise- cliché white. But with their charming bars and fine seafood restaurants, their lack of people and the glut of palm trees, who cares?

You don’t come to Samui for genuine Thai culture – stop off in Bangkok for that. You come here for a beach holiday. One with cocktails, swimming pools, green curry and hammocks. A boat ride away you have a pristine marine park of gorgeous uninhabited islands. Another boat ride away, you have the world’s most famous all-night rave. If you haven’t the energy for either, don’t feel bad. Take a sip from your coconut, top up your sunblock and turn the page of that trashy novel – it’s all right, you’re on holiday.

Those uninhabited islands

Ang Thong Marine National Park, one of Southeast Asia’s most beautiful archipelagos, is a two hour boat ride from Koh Samui (40 minutes if you’re in a speed boat). A protected area of 31 islands, it makes for a fantastic day trip. Most hotels will be able to book you in: expect to pay about £10 for the boat (more like a small ferry and nice to spread out on and watch the world chug by) or £18 for the less romantic speedboat.

The trip will include time for snorkelling, a 20 minute pitstop at the island lake that inspired Alex Garland’s The Beach and an hour or so at Ko Wua Talab, the largest of the islands. Here you can paddle around, hire a kayak or just flop on the beach. Do none of these – instead, climb the cardiacarrestingly steep 1,410 feet to the island’s peak for the best views of your holiday, and quite possibly your life. Dancing on the beach Once upon a time, the sunset and sunrise beaches of Hat Rin hosted the original and ultimate full moon party. Those tut-tutters will tell of the glory days when there was just the one sound system, just the one bar and just a few thousand travelling hedonists hellbent on hallucinogenic excess.

Today, there are about 30 sound systems, huge bars selling buckets of vodka and Red Bull and enough disco lights to illuminate Blackpool.

The drugs have gone, thanks to a high police presence. But though it is far more commercial, well-organised and packed, if you happen to be in Ko Samui for the full moon, you have to go. Catch one of the fleet of speedboats that race across the bay at quite terrifying speeds from Bophut pier. Buy a one-way ticket (about £6), which leaves you open to negotiate with other companies when you’ve had enough.

Be a coconut

Koh Samui is a holiday island, so almost everything is geared to the tourists. Except, of course, its interior. Coconuts are the island’s main export, and huge swathes of the trees cover the hills and mountains. The small farming hamlets have remained unchanged since long before the tourist explosion. You’ll need a 4WD to explore; even then, it’s an adventure. Precipitous, hairpinned mud tracks are perfect for losing your hire-car deposit – but with a bit of luck, panic and co-driver (‘We can’t get up that hill; yes we can; no, we can’t; told you’) you get into a jungly, fertile, quiet world a million miles from the coastal cocktail bars.